PARANOIA

Yesterday Beth Fischi, contributor to the PARANOIA rulebook and the Crash Priority mission collection, received cheery, unstoppably upbeat junk mail about her eventual death.

Atop the happy goldenrod floral-print note, the enthused come-on: "WIN A PRE-PAID CREMATION! Complete all of the reply slip information and you will be eligible for a drawing each month."

In the body text (so to speak), the Neptune Society of Austin, Texas -- "America's Cremation Specialists" -- spreads the good news: "As they plan their final wishes and needs, almost 30% of Americans have selected cremation as their preference! The numbers are increasing every year!"

Cremation just makes sense because:

• It allows families to conduct simple personal services at their own convenience


• It is much less expensive


• It has less impact on the environment

Simple, Economical and Dignified... That's our motto!

The letter outlines several exciting advantages to making your arrangements now: locking in today's price, protection against "upselling" by aggressive funeral directors at a vulnerable time, and Medicaid help. "If you are not interested in spending your family's inheritance on embalming, caskets, vaults, markers, fancy funeral homes or cemetery property, then we have the answer!"

For all their bubbly cheerleading, even the chipper Neptunes do include a subdued small-print postscript: "Please accept our apologies if this letter has reached you at a time of serious illness or death in your family."

On Crash Priority, Beth collaborated with me on the Straight-style mission "Traitor Backup," where the Troubleshooters are assigned to serve drinks and snacks to traitors awaiting final justice at an Internal Security termination center. A few readers thought the humor there was excessively black, yet now I think we missed a bet. I'd best leave it at that; doubtless the ever-ingenious Gamemaster can carry the idea forward.