PARANOIA

Eric Zawadzki of Poet RPG has at last concluded his epic PARANOIA dramatization, "When Members of the Bush Administration Play PARANOIA." Eric's remarkable exercise has progressed through 37 mostly-semi-weekly episodes while avoiding political flamebait rigorously (well, mostly-semi-rigorously). It's delightful reading whatever your politics. Start with the February pre-briefing and follow it through to the final, characteristically demented debriefing.

The Computer: "SAMUEL-R-BMN-4, PLEASE STEP FORWARD AND HAVE A SEAT."

Samuel: I do as I'm told.

The Computer: "YOUR BEHAVIOR DURING THIS MISSION TROUBLES ME. [...] YOU ATTEMPTED TO ENTER A YELLOW CLEARANCE AREA. YOU ACCEPTED A BRIBE NOT TO INSPECT EQUIPMENT. YOU ENDANGERED VALUABLE EQUIPMENT BY RUNNING WITH MORE THAN THE MAXIMUM SAFE LOAD OF LASERS (4). YOU SABOTAGED A HYGIENE CLOSET. YOU ALLOWED SOME OF THE ASSIGNED BOTS TO BE SABOTAGED, RESULTING IN THE DESTRUCTION OF ALL THE BOTS ON THE MISSION. YOU WERE SEEN IN A SECURITY CLEARANCE VIOLET AREA. YOU ARE SUSPECTED OF POSSESSION OF A METABOLIC MUTATION. YOU DISCLOSED CLASSIFIED SECURITY CLEARANCE BLUE INFORMATION TO GEORGE-R WITHOUT AUTHORIZATION. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF, SAMUEL-R?"

Samuel: I smile for the camera and probably for the laser turret. "I'm so very happy, Friend Computer!"

The Computer: "YOUR HAPPINESS HAS BEEN NOTED, CITIZEN SAMUEL-R. YOU HAVE BEEN AWARDED 10 CREDITS. FOR YOUR TREASON, YOU HAVE BEEN LEVIED 100,000 CREDITS IN FINES AND REPLACEMENT COSTS."

George (out of character): Ouch. Erasure.

Samuel (ooc): Been nice playing with you guys...

The Computer: "HOWEVER, POWER SERVICES INFORMS ME THAT YOU HAVE DISCOVERED 10.01 NEW METHODS OF CONSERVING ENERGY IN ALPHA COMPLEX DURING YOUR MISSION. THEY WILL IMPLEMENT THESE CHANGES THROUGHOUT THE SECTOR. FOR THIS SERVICE YOU HAVE BEEN AWARDED 101,000 CREDITS AND YOUR OWN PERSONAL PETBOT. TREAT IT WELL."

Samuel: I force the smile to continue. "Thank you, Friend Computer."

The Computer: "IT IS SIMPLY YOUR DUE, LOYAL CITIZEN, AS IS THE EXPERIMENTAL DRUG COCKTAIL YOU WILL BE TAKING FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE. IT HAS BEEN FORMULATED TO CURB YOUR DESTRUCTIVE IMPULSES. I UNDERSTAND THE SIDE-EFFECTS ARE WITHIN ACCEPTABLE LIMITS. STEP BACK, SAMUEL-R. JOHN-R-SNO-2, PLEASE STEP FORWARD AND HAVE A SEAT."

This fine work prompted me to invite Eric into the Traitor Recycling Studio, the gaggle of writers that sustains the PARANOIA line. His first published mission will appear in the forthcoming supplement Service, Service! This 128-page supplement profiles all eight sprawling service groups in Alpha Complex, with typical duties, interesting nonplayer character "monsters," and new mandates rules that make a character's service group more important.

Eric's mission, "Rockumentary," appears in the section for Housing Preservation and Development & Mind Control. HPD wants the Troubleshooters to escort celebrated musician Rand-Y-ROK, of Rand-Y & The ROKbots, on a nostalgic filmed tour of his old home sector. Turns out Rand-Y hates his old home, and is widely hated there as well. For the calamities that ensue, you'll just have to buy the supplement. Or borrow it, or pirate it on scumsucking Communist filesharing networks. Whatever.

Eric talks about what's next on the Traitor blog.